Dear Geek Council,
I understand that there is a pecking order within our illustrious society, and I acknowledge that what I am requesting is significantly above my own geek ranking. Nonetheless, I would like to make a formal request to meet (and perhaps punch) the creator of spyware and whoever pioneered the use of trojans.
I know that what I’m asking for is a bit much, and I’m quite certain that you have a line of requests from other people wishing to have words and/or fisticuffs with this individual. And really, can you blame them? This jerkface has caused more computers issues than Skynet, resulting in lost time, unnecessary reformats, system restorations, and time spent on the phone helping out clueless friends and family who won’t admit that they were on a shady porn site when it happened.
Since a face-to-face meeting is probably out of the question, would you be so kind as to deliver a message to this individual, who I assume is lurking about our ranks? I’d be most appreciative.
Dear Sir or Madam,
I hate you.
I mean, I REALLY despise you. Your entire existence keeps me up at night as I sit and wonder how such an awful human being can be allowed to exist. If I met you at a party, I would uppercut you so hard that Shao Kahn would jump off the couch and shout ‘EXCELLENT!’ as you went crashing through the ceiling.
Words cannot properly convey the amount of loathing I have for you. If there is any justice in the world, there will be a system crash at the Pearly Gates as you try to enter, and St. Peter will have to send you to hell as he tries to figure out why his terminal is telling him that he needs to buy some new anti-virus program he’s never heard of. I hope your computer comes alive one day and begins beating you with a cat-of-nine-tails comprised entirely of old-school printer cables. And finally, I pray that you accidentally try to infect Batman’s computer and that he shows up to your house, punches you in the junk, and does donuts on your front lawn in the Batmobile as he uploads the footage to YouTube.
PS: You suck.