“Just watched KoF. Brain feels dirty.”
— Message to buddy after watching
So, I decided to finally break down and watch the live-action King of Fighters. I freely admit that there was a moment where I was actually excited about this movie- from what I had seen of the early casting, it looked like it had some potential. Also being a fan of the series over the years I was willing to give it the benefit of the doubt. The fore-mentioned buddy managed to get his hands on a copy some time later and I got a chance to watch a few minutes; it was at that moment that I knew that, come hell or high water, I needed to watch this travesty in its entirety. Don’t ask me why- it didn’t make sense to me then, and it damn sure doesn’t make sense now.
I’d like to preface this by saying the following- this is not a review of the movie so much as a collection of rants regarding it. This will probably make more sense if you’ve actually seen it, but even without witnessing the madness I’m sure you’ll be able to keep up.
Before watching it, however, I determined that there were a few things that I wouldn’t rag on-
“OMG, Mai’s boobs are totally not big enough!”
Let’s be real here. Did we really expect this? And more importantly, did we care? Wait, don’t answer that- I’ve glanced at a few message boards that tell me that quite a few people did, actually. That didn’t bother me as much as the fact that for some inexplicable reason all of her powers were suddenly electricity-based. But yeah, Mai’s boobies were not the mockery of logic, gravity and physics that the fanboys were hoping for. Get over it, there’s much more to be angry at.
“OMG, Kyo Kusanagi’s white!”
OK fine, I can see the gripe here. However they did try to explain it in the movie by making Kyo mixed, despite the fact that the guy playing him doesn’t look even remotely Asian. But I did find it utterly hilarious that the kid playing Kyo in the flashback sequence was totally Asian. Anywho…
With those two points out of the way, I did compile a list of things that I will talk about…
Fights Take Place WHERE?
An alternate dimension? Oooookaaaaaaay. A little odd yes, but hey, it worked with Mortal Kombat. But who in the hell thought up the idea that the dimension could only be accessed by a special blue tooth headset? I mean seriously, who came up with that idea, and how many flavors of crack were they smoking at the time?
I could probably dedicate an entire post to this red-eyed bastard. Let me start this off by saying that I do not have a problem with Ray Park. Heck, I love me some Ray Park. But this Rugal was just stuuupid. I really do wish I could come up with a better word, but he was just stuuuupid. And who in the fudgecicle is the jackmule that let a fight with him dressed up like a hockey player into the script? And more importantly, who decided that one random sport wasn’t good enough and decided to have him playing baseball later?
You mother @$#%ers.
How do you take perhaps the most recognizable face of the KoF series… heck, I’ll go a step further and say one of the most recognizable faces of the COMPANY… and end up with something so far away from the original concept of the character? Every time I hear the phrase CIA Agent Terry Bogard, I have to fight the urge to start Power Dunking kittens. How can you take one of the series’ top fighters and turn him into an annoying agent who’s constantly getting his ass kicked? That’d be like taking Capcom’s poster boy Ryu from Street Fighter and turning him into a con artist.
The Orochi looked like the ball of yarn that Satan’s cat would play with. Really, that’s all I can say about that.
I will say that this isn’t the worst live-action video game movie out there- I’d probably rank this somewhere between The Legend of Chun Li and Tekken. If you’re bored and not offended by wasted potential, go ahead and check it out. I’d just recommend doing so with a group of friends, and preferably with enough booze to intoxicate a Viking raiding party.