Recently it has come to my attention that there will be a 3D re-release of Jurassic Park sometime next year which, being the huge dino-geek that I am, has me very excited. The original JP was one of those movies that I totally regret not seeing in the theaters when it first came out- I will never forget riding past one of our local theaters that opening weekend and witnessing for the first time in my young life, a line that wrapped around the building. From time to time I ask myself that, with today’s technology, would a real life Jurassic Park be possible? Sure it might be scientifically possible, but is it a good idea?
The short answer? No. The slightly longer answer? HELL NO.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’d think it’d be pretty freaking awesome to see some actual dinosaurs. But I’m also convinced that humanity would find a way to screw it up, and if you’re going to screw something up then I would hope that it doesn’t involve a multi-ton reptilian murder machine. I can only imagine the caliber of cinder block that would be shat if I saw an escaped T-Rex stomping along the side of I-20 as I drove into work one day.
Actually, forget the T-Rex. What if you looked out of your window and saw a pair of escaped Velociraptors hanging out on your front lawn?
I think the more immediate concern would be who could you call to handle such an emergency? “Yes officer, I have a pair of highly-intelligent bipedal meat grinders chilling on my front lawn, trying to break into my car… sure, I’ll hold.” This is not a job for your average exterminator, mind you, because if I’m working at “Bob’s Pest Control”, I would hope that Bob had the means to furnish me with a mech suit equipped with a cannon that that shoots flaming chainsaws before I go face off against a pair of ‘raptors.
But then one day, some random genius (who’s never had to deal with a pair of Velocirators on his front lawn, I imagine) is going to sit back and think, say, so-and-so was a pretty historically horrible human being. I wonder if he would have ended up different had he been hugged more as a child? And so, we exhume the remains and create a clone of Genghis Khan to see if, treated nicely and given many hugs, he still ends up being a massive bastard. And to totally mock the concept of Nature Vs. Nurture, we find out that Genghis Khan 2.0 is in full possession of the Massive Bastard Gene, and proceeds to do what any young and healthy murderous warlord given a second chance does best, and not be nearly as awesome as he was in “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.” Humanity, in our hubris, will have released Genghis Khan into our own timeline, who will no doubt be wreaking havoc with his new horde, all while riding on the back of a cloned army of Velocirators. They say that 8% of humanity can trace back their lineage to Mr. Khan- I fully expect that number to triple on the night Khan discovers beer and Viagra.
And THAT is the reason why humanity does not deserve an actual Jurassic Park.