Why Humanity Does Not Deserve An Actual ‘Jurassic Park’

Recently it has come to my attention that there will be a 3D re-release of Jurassic Park sometime next year which, being the huge dino-geek that I am, has me very excited. The original JP was one of those movies that I totally regret not seeing in the theaters when it first came out- I will never forget riding past one of our local theaters that opening weekend and witnessing for the first time in my young life, a line that wrapped around the building. From time to time I ask myself that, with today’s technology, would a real life Jurassic Park be possible? Sure it might be scientifically possible, but is it a good idea?

The short answer? No. The slightly longer answer? HELL NO.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’d think it’d be pretty freaking awesome to see some actual dinosaurs. But I’m also convinced that humanity would find a way to screw it up, and if you’re going to screw something up then I would hope that it doesn’t involve a multi-ton reptilian murder machine. I can only imagine the caliber of cinder block that would be shat if I saw an escaped T-Rex stomping along the side of I-20 as I drove into work one day.

“YOU TAKE BUS!”

Actually, forget the T-Rex. What if you looked out of your window and saw a pair of escaped Velociraptors hanging out on your front lawn?

I think the more immediate concern would be who could you call to handle such an emergency? “Yes officer, I have a pair of highly-intelligent bipedal meat grinders chilling on my front lawn, trying to break into my car… sure, I’ll hold.” This is not a job for your average exterminator, mind you, because if I’m working at “Bob’s Pest Control”, I would hope that Bob had the means to furnish me with a mech suit equipped with a cannon that that shoots flaming chainsaws before I go face off against a pair of ‘raptors.

“Dude! This one’s got an iPod dock!”

But then one day, some random genius (who’s never had to deal with a pair of Velocirators on his front lawn, I imagine) is going to sit back and think, say, so-and-so was a pretty historically horrible human being. I wonder if he would have ended up different had he been hugged more as a child? And so, we exhume the remains and create a clone of Genghis Khan to see if, treated nicely and given many hugs, he still ends up being a massive bastard. And to totally mock the concept of Nature Vs. Nurture, we find out that Genghis Khan 2.0 is in full possession of the Massive Bastard Gene, and proceeds to do what any young and healthy murderous warlord given a second chance does best, and not be nearly as awesome as he was in “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.” Humanity, in our hubris, will have released Genghis Khan into our own timeline, who will no doubt be wreaking havoc with his new horde, all while riding on the back of a cloned army of Velocirators. They say that 8% of humanity can trace back their lineage to Mr. Khan- I fully expect that number to triple on the night Khan discovers beer and Viagra.

And THAT is the reason why humanity does not deserve an actual Jurassic Park.

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8 thoughts on “Why Humanity Does Not Deserve An Actual ‘Jurassic Park’”

  1. You make some very valid points there. Now, let’s flip this and look at the other side of the coin. What if someone built a brain control that can be placed on those dinos and pretty much tame them?? That in itself could open the sport of dino jousting. Also, crime would go down dramatically. I mean, who would want to break into the house/warehouse/etc that is being guarded by 3 or 4 bipedal meat grinders?? I myself would love to ride on the back of a T-Rex. I’d add weapons to mine and have it like Dino Riders.

    1. I don’t know. With brain-control you’d basically still have the same problem as in the movie– humans are greedy and ridiculous. It’d be all about who had the bigger dinosaur. And then we’d get into dino cruelty (the jousting sounds like it’s already there)– plus people would be starving them to make them meaner, etc. As much as I’d like to ride a T-Rex, I’m gonna have to agree with the original premise. Humanity does not deserve a Jurassic Park.

      1. And keeping with the mindset that every cool thing must go horribly awry, what if the brain control actually made dinosaurs smarter and they decided to take over the world? I, for one, welcome our new reptilian overlords.

  2. You’re right – although I still want to see a real Jurassic Park (which goes to show I really do have to learn all lessons the hard way!). I have a recurring dream where I’m being chased by a T-Rex-type dinosaur. It is both awesome and horrible.

    1. HA! I would love to see it too, but there is just too much potential of a colossal screw-up taking place. I can see the awesomeness and horror that would come from that dream; sort of like doing the running of the bulls, but with several Triceratops in pursuit.

  3. Hey, I read this post back when you first posted it, and am now appalled that I didn’t comment at the time. After stumbling across it again, I just have to tell you how much I WISH that people putting in calls to the police described their problems with such fantastic phrases as “highly-intelligent bipedal meat grinder chilling on my front lawn.” I would spend so much more time watching reality police shows.

    1. “Constable! Your presence is required at my neighbor’s residence, for he appears to be quite inebriated and engaging in fisticuffs with another shirtless gentleman!”

      I’d watch ‘Cops’ every single day, and nothing else!

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