Fantasy Casting- ‘Heavy Metal’

  Heavy Metal Poster

If I were going to compile a list of things that totally blew my mind growing up, I’m pretty sure the 1981 animated classic Heavy Metal would occupy about three different spaces on it. Like Rock and Rule, it showed me that animation was not just kids stuff and that it could be used for more than the stuff we saw on Saturday mornings. Also, it had animated boobs, and for an impressionable young man that was just starting to draw, that was truly a wonderful thing. But I digress, and hide several of my old sketch pads as I do so. Anywho, I’ve heard little snippits of rumors about there being interest in doing another Heavy Metal (and I’m making it a point to not discuss Heavy Metal 2000), and it got me wondering if anyone would consider doing a live-action version. And thus, the fantasy casting began.

Now, let me go on record and say this- I would actually be pretty upset if this came to pass. Not if they decided to make a live-action Heavy Metal, mind you, but if they just simply remade the original animated movie. Heavy Metal has about 30+ years of history to pull from, so yeah, just redoing it would be kinda lazy. This is more about who I would cast IF they decided to go that route. Which, again, would be lazy on their part. You follow? Good. Let us begin!

Den

Den
A nerdy teenager finds a glowing green rock that not only transports him to another world, but transforms him into massive ass-kicker Den. He proceeds to save Neverwhere from a grand cataclysm, all while sporting a simple loin cloth.

Played By:

Terry Crews
Terry Crews

If you didn’t at least crack a smirk at the thought of Terry Crews hamming it up as Den, we can never be friends. Crews definitely has the look, the athleticism, the bravado and the right amount of goofiness to pull this off. I mean c’mon, have you seen any of his Old Spice commercials?

Captain Sternn

Captain-SternnOn trial for a metric butt-load of charges (and one moving violation), Captain Sternn remains calm and reassures his lawyer that he’s “got an angle” by way of Hanover Fiste, a witness that he’s paid off. Of course that angle goes a bit Mr. Hyde thanks to the Loc-Nar, and proceeds to tear the space station where the trial is taking place a new one. So, who has the charm and the brazen cockiness (not to mention the epic chin) to be the Captain?

Played By:

BAM.
BAM.

Bruce freakin’ Campbell. I will accept no substitute. Also, I’d like to have Eugene Levy as the judge. It’d be a nice reference to the original Heavy Metal, because he actually voiced the animated Captain Sternn.

Gloria

This was one of the only pictures I could find of her without her boobs hanging out.
This was one of the only pictures I could find without her boobs hanging out.

A buxom stenographer at the Pentagon, Gloria gets accidentally kidnapped by aliens, has sex with a robot voiced by John Candy, and ends up crashing at a space station after the ship’s pilots snort a Scarface-caliber pile of plutonian nyborg. It… makes a bit more sense if you watch it. While Gloria didn’t have a huge role in the collection, an actress DID spring to mind…

Played By:

Christina Hendricks
Christina Hendricks

…and that’s all I have to say about that.

Taarna

Taarna

The poster girl of the entire movie, Taarna is the last of the Taarakians, a warrior race summoned to protect a city from a roving barbarian horde infected by the Loc-Nar. When she arrives too late to stop the massacre, Taarna settles for avenging the living $#@& out of them instead.

Played By:

Jennifer Lawrence
Jennifer Lawrence

Even if I completely disregard my total celeb-crush on Ms. Lawrence, I still would have chosen her for this. I think she’s got the presence and the athleticism to pull Taarna off. While I’m pretty sure we won’t see her doing the rampant nudity that Taarna managed (sorry, fanboys), I don’t think folks would complain too much about her casting.

So… who would you cast? Also, I’m drawing a blank as to who I’d get  for Harry Canyon. Any suggestions?